He's fun, trust-worthy, and supportive, plus you don't have to compete with him. He's your gay best friend--and he's in demand.
This spring, sixteen-year-old Mimi* noticed a new trend at her Pacific Palisades, California, high school. The must-have items for her fashionista classmates included a Proenza Schouler tie-dyed top, a shrunken military jacket, neon-bright chunky bracelets, and . . . a gay best friend.
"A few years ago, all the popular, pretty girls were walking hand in hand with a preppy jock," she says. "Now you'll see them in hallways with a Mulberry bag on one arm and a Johnny Weir look-alike on the other." She says one girl at her school even recently tweeted: "OMG, watching Glee makes me wish I had a guy like Kurt in my life."
The "GBF" phenomenon--wherein a stylish leading lady has a gay best friend, or "gay boyfriend"--has definitely picked up over the past decade. Sex and the City's Carrie and Stanford, Clueless's Christian and Cher, and, of course, Will and Grace paved the way for more-recent It couples like Ugly Betty's dynamic assistant duo Marc and Amanda, Gossip Girl's Jenny Humphrey and Eric van der Woodsen, and High School Musical's Sharpay and Ryan Evans.
Being part of a GBF couple has become the new platonic ideal. "It's a little ridiculous how in demand a gay best friend has become in the past year," Mimi says. And Katie,* 20, from Dallas, finds the new cultural infatuation with gay stereotypes absurd. "I hate all the tired tropes perpetuated by the media," she says. "My best friend, Brett,* isn't some superfabulous style consultant that I take shopping and sing show tunes with."
Katie says she and Brett have been inseparable since the fourth grade, and his sexuality is something that barely even registers in her mind. "I think of him as my best friend in the world, not my gay boyfriend or GBF," she explains.
"Sure, we talk about frivolous things sometimes and have a lot of fun together, but we've also helped each other through all kinds of weighty life issues like loss and heartbreak--and I was there for him when he came out in high school. It's a two-way street."
Reasons that the straight girl-gay guy relationship works so well both on- and offscreen can range drastically. But according to Jennifer Gray, Ph.D., a New York City psychologist who focuses on issues pertaining to human sexuality, it's hard to find a female high school or college student who hasn't experienced drama with a frenemy at one point or another. "Friendships between girls are often fraught with competition, whether it's over looks, weight, boyfriends, or clothes," she explains.
"But there is little underlying competition between young women and gay guys, which can often make for a stronger, more trusting relationship." Gray says it can also be hard for many girls, particularly ones in high school, to have platonic relationships with heterosexual guys. "A lot of teenagers don't feel comfortable around members of the opposite sex, and the friendships can get complicated," she says. "It can also be hard to have a friend relationship at that age without one person developing some kind of feelings for the other."
Maggie,* a seventeen-year-old Bostonian, found that since becoming so close to her GBF, she spends less time with her straight guy friends. "It's nice because I don't have to stress about Kevin* developing feelings for me," she says. "Pretty much every time I've formed a bond with a straight guy, he ended up being attracted to me, and I would wind up hurting him when he found out I didn't feel the same way."
She has even noticed that she's been dating less and less.
"At this point in my life, I've realized that I'm not that interested in having a serious romantic relationship with a guy. I'm too young, and I just want to have fun." Maggie also appreciates Kevin's honesty, adding: "I can always count on him to tell me the truth, even when he knows that I don't want to hear it." In her case, that includes dispensing both fashion guidance (like telling her that she doesn't actually look cute in that orange Marc by Marc Jacobs poncho) and serious life advice (he was the only one who had the courage to tell her she looked too thin a year ago).
Whether they are commiserating about their love lives or getting an insider's perspective on what men or women really think, gay guys and straight girls often turn to each other for the real scoop. "Sometimes even your girlfriends won't give you the straight-up truth. They can be very competitive and have ulterior motives," says Melissa de la Cruz, coeditor of the collection of short stories Girls Who Like Boys Who Like Boys (Dutton).
"But with the gay men in your life, you're both looking out for the other's best interests." However, that doesn't mean rivalry can't still find a way into the GBF equation: Mimi, for example, recently noticed that while many girls at school don't get competitive with their GBFs, they do get territorial over their GBFs. "There's a guy who's so in demand within this one social circle that girls will literally get jealous if he spends a night out with someone else," she says. "They used to get guy-crazy; now they get gay-crazy. It's become more of a gay- boyfriend situation."
Gray thinks that extreme cases, like the scenario at Mimi's high school, are clearly unhealthy. "Nobody should ever be treated like an accessory," she says. "It's wonderful that society and the media have become so accepting, but that culture should never be exploited or treated like a passing trend. People should not be defined by characteristics like their sexuality."
"There's always the possibility of exploitation and tokenism," agrees de la Cruz. "But your connection with a gay best friend should be just like any other relationship in your life--built through mutual attraction, interest, and affection." In the end, what really matters isn't whether your BFs are gay, straight, or bisexual. What's important, Gray says, is that they're your friends. Check out the GBF Hall of Fame >>
*Names have been changed.
[Ed note:
Friendships with other girls--even the healthiest and most supportive of relationships--are always a teeny bit complicated. I hate to admit it, but I feel like a tiny troll next to one of my besties, who is as tall and stunning as a supermodel; another good pal is so outrageously successful that one can't help but seem a bit of an underachiever in comparison. And that's the problem:
We girls compare ourselves to one another, and it can just get a bit . . . intense. Thank goodness for gay best friends. I treasure my GBFs--I live in New York City; I have many, many!--because they are noncompetitive and nonjudgmental, and we make each other feel accepted and cherished. Gay guy-straight girl friendships may be trendy right now in pop culture (think Glee),
but no one deserves to be treated like a passing fad or arm candy. If you are lucky enough to have a GBF in your life, enjoy the lovefest but remember to fight for his rights to be treated equally in our society. --AMY ASTLEY, editor in chief.]
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