Extended Metaphor

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Erubus wrote on 2011-05-16 22:39

Ok so for English we had to write an extended metaphor for our portfolios. I LOVED the one i wrote and just want some criticism on it. Be harsh, nice or whatever helps you out when you critique it :2thumb:

Had to think of a title off the fly so its not that original of one

The Girl Next Door
She is the most lethal weapon.
Her smile was the rocket against his walls.
Her words were the scars on his back.
Her body the most potent aphrodisiac.
Mama wrote on 2011-05-16 22:55

pretty good..

Her smile was the rocket against his walls.

I'd say something more like defences rather than walls, but i suppose its just a stylistic choice.

Her smile a missle against his defences.
Her words a whip to his back.

that kinda thing goes through my own mind. how deliciously abusive.

and remember to keep the tense consistent
Erubus wrote on 2011-05-16 23:03

Yea keeping the tense consistent is one of my main problems when I write my papers and other things. >< Just bad at grammar most of the time I guess.
The line your talking about is about the walls put up between him and other people. She brings the walls down and shows him there is good in people along with the bad.
Mama wrote on 2011-05-16 23:05

I see, makes sense.
you could perhaps add another line for the whole good and bad within people, because it is not being implied in any way as far as i understand.
Erubus wrote on 2011-05-16 23:08

Hm I could try but don't know how to relate that to her specifically. Also I don't really think I was intending for that to be implied.
Sumpfkraut wrote on 2011-05-17 16:04

Quote from Erubus;447213:
She brings the walls down and shows him there is good in people along with the bad.

You could try something like castell or fortress, that carries a much stronger implication of seclusion. Though I guess trebuchet/cannon would make more sense in that case. Or maybe go biblical and have her smile be trumpets bringing down his walls. :lol:
Erubus wrote on 2011-05-17 21:40

haha thats some nice ones sumpfkraut