So I'm writing this story

• Sleeperdial wrote on 2011-08-07 22:58
  And I just finished the prologue conversation if you can call it that. :skip: I just want your opinions. Its not supposed to make sense yet, just understand that Conlan is a guy about 6' with brown hair, brown eyes, massive shoulders and larger build, and paleish skin. And Tiffany is a shorter 5' 4" with reddish-brown hair down to her shoulders and blue eyes, despite the average build size is very wiry, and slightly tanner. They're both wearing pajamas which for both of them are an oversized t-shirt with sleep pants.
  
  Also I'd really like to know how to describe them and what they look like without breaking the flow of the story, but how to let the readers know who they are for this scene. Any constructive criticism is welcome and I'm sure there will be lots. Or at least hopefully there will be. :full:
  
  
  

  Quote from Sleeperdial:

  Life
  is a game
  best played with friends.
  
  
  
  
  “What are you staring at?”Conlan asked in his usual nonchalant tone. “Nothing.” She said in a tone that worried Conlan, “She's been so depressed after it all happened.” he thought to himself. “I figured that, I mean what are you thinking about.” he said out loud. “About how much I hate rain. It makes you feel so claustrophobic when you're all cooped up inside a house like this.” It was surprisingly deep for her, she's not stupid but she never really thinks about much until now. “Its not like you'd go outside anyway.” “I liked it better when we had some light though.” “It hasn't been raining that long. “A week straight isn't that long?” “You get bothered by the little things to easy,” Conlan said in an almost cocky voice that was very familiar to her “Besides I know what you're really thinking about.” “You're thinking about it too.” “Like I said, you get bothered by the little things too much.” “This is a little thing?” “Its just a game, Tiff, games are things to have fun playing, not to worry about.” “Most games don't have consequences.” Neither does this one.” “Forgetting everyone is something to be worried about.” By now Conlan could detect the fear and anxiety in her voice. “You won't forget the people that matter.” “I don't want to forget everyone though.” “You should consider it a blessing that she's weeding out all the people that don't really like you.” “I suppose.......” “Come on, lets go to bed.” “You mean back to that place?” “Tonight is not the night remember?” “Oh I know that. I'm talking about the other place, you know, my favorite place.” “What if your favorite place goes away one day?” “You promised it wouldn't.” “I'm tired, come on.” Conlan says as he tackles Tiffany to the bed. “Hope you like being in your favorite place,” he says as he wraps his arms around her. “because you aren't getting me up if you want to leave.” “Our parents would be freaking out if they saw us like this.” “They think we have no self control.” “As if I need it!” “I know, because I do it all for you.”

• Syriah wrote on 2011-08-07 23:07

  Quote from Sleeperdial;542828:

  And I just finished the prologue conversation if you can call it that. :skip: I just want your opinions. Its not supposed to make sense yet, just understand that Conlan is a guy about 6' with brown hair, brown eyes, massive shoulders and larger build, and paleish skin. And Tiffany is a shorter 5' 4" with reddish-brown hair down to her shoulders and blue eyes, despite the average build size is very wiry, and slightly tanner. They're both wearing pajamas which for both of them are an oversized t-shirt with sleep pants.
  
  Also I'd really like to know how to describe them and what they look like without breaking the flow of the story, but how to let the readers know who they are for this scene. Any constructive criticism is welcome and I'm sure there will be lots. Or at least hopefully there will be. :full:

  
  
  The conversation sounds good... except for that there's a little too much conversation. You could throw in their appearances throughout the talking in subtle ways. (She played with her reddish hair as she did such and such.) I see what you mean about it not making much sense yet, because I could critic it more if knew where the story was going lol! But calm down on so much too much talking in the prologue, because you will automatically turn the reader off. Be more descriptive. Talk about their surroundings, capture the person's mind before engaging in conversation. Good job, though. PM me if you need more help; I am a writer myself. lol
• Sleeperdial wrote on 2011-08-07 23:09

  Quote from Syriah;542845:

  The conversation sounds good... except for that there's a little too much conversation. You could throw in their appearances throughout the talking in subtle ways. (She played with her reddish hair as she did such and such.) I see what you mean about it not making much sense yet, because I could critic it more if knew where the story was going lol! But calm down on so much too much talking in the prologue, because you will automatically turn the reader off. Be more descriptive. Talk about their surroundings, capture the person's mind before engaging in conversation. Good job, though. PM me if you need more help; I am a writer myself. lol

  
  
  Its difficult for me because I'm just putting the scenes in my head on paper. I already know what it looks like, I forget that I have to show people what certain things are like. I'll do that thank you.
• AsterSelene wrote on 2011-08-07 23:15
  Also, put some paragraph breaks in...people tend to get turned off by walls of text no matter how good the prose is.
• Juno wrote on 2011-08-07 23:18
  It would be good to start a new sentence each time a new person starts talking, for ease of reading. It's a little bit of a chore to comprehend it when it's all in a block like that.
  
  As for the conversation itself, it seems alright, a good start. The bits of non-conversational writing are rough, though, and in conjunction with the format it makes it hard to envision it happening naturally.
• Sleeperdial wrote on 2011-08-07 23:53
  Okay here it is, a bit revised. Still far from perfect though.
  
  

  Quote from Sleeperdial:

  Life
  is a game
  best played with friends.
  
  
  
  
  “What are you staring at?”Conlan asked in his usual nonchalant tone with the permanent, benevolent smirk that was almost always on his face around her. Tiffany had been staring out the window of their small bluish bedroom for a while now, her reddish-brown hair that grabbed her shoulders not even shifting. The walls were almost gray from the darkness of the clouds, giving it a solemn air about it. The room was sparse with only a bed, a wardrobe, and a small desk adding to the feeling of reflection that wrapped them both like a blanket. It was their room though, that room where they spent their weekends, sometimes never coming out. That room that provided sanctuary even when the danger was on their doorstep. “Nothing.” She said in a tone that worried Conlan, “She's been so depressed after it all happened.” he thought to himself. “I figured that, I mean what are you thinking about.” he said out loud. “About how much I hate rain. It makes you feel so claustrophobic when you're all cooped up inside a house like this.” It was surprisingly deep for her, she's not stupid but she never really thinks about much until now. “Its not like you'd go outside anyway.” “I liked it better when we had some light though, we haven't had any for a week straight.”
  
  “You get bothered by the little things too easy,” Conlan said in an almost cocky voice that was very familiar to her “Besides, we both know the real answer to my question.” “Then why bother asking? You're thinking it too after all.” “Like I said, you get bothered by the little things too much. Its just a game, Tiff, games are things to have fun playing, not to worry about.” “Most games don't have consequences.” “Neither does this one.” “Forgetting everyone is something to be worried about.” By now Conlan could detect the fear and anxiety in her voice. “You won't forget the people that matter.” “I don't want to forget everyone though.” “You should consider it a blessing that she's weeding out all the people that don't really like you.” “I suppose.......” She stared again at the window for a while, gaze not leaving that spot even as he sat down behind her and laid her down on his lap, he swore those blue eyes would pierce it.
  
  “Come on, lets go to bed.” “You mean back to that place?” Tiffany said in tone that vaguely hid an almost suggestive excitement. “Tonight is not the night remember?” Conlan said, not picking up on her tone. “Oh I know that. I'm talking about the other place, you know, my favorite place.” “What if your favorite place goes away one day?” He said, instantly “You promised it wouldn't.” “I'm tired, come on.” Conlan says as he tackles Tiffany to the bed. “Hope you like being in your favorite place,” he says as he wrapped his broad, large arms around her small frame. “Because you aren't getting me up if you want to leave.” She gave a small snicker. “Our parents would be freaking out if they saw us like this.” “They think we have no self control.” “As if I need it!” she said with her beloved smile appearing. “I know, because I do it all for you.” They both savored the silence, the subtle nudge there, the stroke of hair there, they spoke volumes to each other even in the silence until both finally stopped fidgeting.

• Juno wrote on 2011-08-08 00:15
  Much easier to read, and much more descriptive. Granted, you'll need to keep working on exactly how you describe things and perhaps some care should be given to maintaining a reasonable flow...but the revision is leaps and bounds better already.
  
  A new paragraph with each person speaking would still introduce some welcome clarity and ease though~
  
  Also, watch your tenses. It was surprisingly deep for her, she's not stupid but she never really thinks about much until now. That sentence switches from past to present, and is the only place present tense is used in that sense. It reads like Conlan is thinking it rather than a narrator.
  
  “What are you staring at?”Conlan asked in his usual nonchalant tone with the permanent, benevolent smirk that was almost always on his face around her. What about ...in his usual, nonchalant tone while wearing his familiar, benevolent smirk.? The repetitive structure helps drive the point home while also getting the reader back into the conversation quicker.
• Sleeperdial wrote on 2011-08-08 00:33

  Quote from Juno;542978:

  Much easier to read, and much more descriptive. Granted, you'll need to keep working on exactly how you describe things and perhaps some care should be given to maintaining a reasonable flow...but the revision is leaps and bounds better already.
  
  A new paragraph with each person speaking would still introduce some welcome clarity and ease though~
  
  Also, watch your tenses. It was surprisingly deep for her, she's not stupid but she never really thinks about much until now. That sentence switches from past to present, and is the only place present tense is used in that sense. It reads like Conlan is thinking it rather than a narrator.
  
  “What are you staring at?”Conlan asked in his usual nonchalant tone with the permanent, benevolent smirk that was almost always on his face around her. What about ...in his usual, nonchalant tone while wearing his familiar, benevolent smirk.? The repetitive structure helps drive the point home while also getting the reader back into the conversation quicker.

  
  
  Yea Im bad at making the sentence structure streamlined I need a lot of work on that. That was also one of the dumbest writing mistakes I've ever made not describing the setting like that. Also tenses are my weakness in writing they are my mortal enemy. And I can make it a paragraph per sentence that was just me being lazy.
• Sleeperdial wrote on 2011-08-08 01:37
  Final-ish draft.
  
  

  Quote from Sleeperdial:

  
  Life
  is a game
  best played with friends.
  
  
  
  
  “What are you staring at?”
  
  Conlan asked in his usual nonchalant manner, that familiar smirk that somehow showed benevolence upon his face. Tiffany had been staring out the window of their small bluish bedroom for a while now, her reddish-brown hair that grabbed her shoulders not even shifting. The walls were almost gray from the darkness of the clouds, giving it a solemn air about it. The room was sparse with only a bed, a wardrobe, and a small desk adding to the feeling of reflection that wrapped them both like a blanket. It was their room though, that room where they spent their weekends, sometimes never coming out. That room that provided sanctuary even when the danger was on their doorstep.
  
  “Nothing.” She said in a tone that worried Conlan.
  
  “She's been so depressed after it all happened.” he thought to himself.
  
  “I figured that, I mean what are you thinking about.” he said out loud.
  
  “About how much I hate rain. It makes you feel so claustrophobic when you're all cooped up inside a house like this.”
  
  It was a rare glimpse at her true thoughts, she rarely spoke what she was really thinking.
  
  “Its not like you'd go outside anyway.”
  
  “I liked it better when we had some light though, we haven't had any for a week straight.”
  
  “You get bothered by the little things too easy,” Conlan said in an almost cocky voice that was very familiar to her “Besides, we both know the real answer to my question.”
  
  “Then why bother asking? You're thinking it too after all.”
  
  “Like I said, you get bothered by the little things too much. Its just a game, Tiff, games are things to have fun playing, not to worry about.”
  
  “Most games don't have consequences.”
  
  “Neither does this one.”
  
  “Forgetting everyone is something to be worried about.”
  
  By now Conlan could detect the fear and anxiety in her voice. “You won't forget the people that matter.”
  
  “I don't want to forget everyone though.”
  
  “You should consider it a blessing that she's weeding out all the people that don't really like you.”
  
  “I suppose.......”
  
  She stared again at the window for a while, gaze not leaving that spot even as he sat down behind her and laid her down on his lap, he swore those blue eyes would pierce it.
  
  “Come on, lets go to bed.”
  
  “You mean back to that place?” Tiffany said in tone that vaguely hid an almost suggestive excitement.
  
  “Tonight is not the night remember?” Conlan said, not picking up on her tone.
  
  “Oh I know that. I'm talking about the other place, you know, my favorite place.”
  
  Conlan tackles Tiffany to the bed. “Hope you like being in your favorite place,” he says as he wrapped his broad, large arms around her small frame.
  
  “Because you aren't getting me up if you want to leave.”
  
  She gave a small snicker. “Our parents would be freaking out if they saw us like this.”
  
  “They think we have no self control.”
  
  “As if I need it!” she said with her small smile appearing.
  
  “I know, because I do it all for you.”
  
  They both savored the silence, the subtle nudge there, the stroke of hair there, they spoke volumes to each other even in the silence until both finally stopped fidgeting.

• Juno wrote on 2011-08-08 02:03
  Getting there~
  
  You'll probably get a better feel for things as you keep writing, but this is a pretty sound piece.
  
  

  Life
  is a game
  best played with friends.
  
  
  
  
  “What are you staring at?”
  
  Conlan asked in his usual nonchalant manner, that familiar smirk that [S]somehow showed [/S] [slightly long, can those two be conveyed in a single word?] benevolence upon his face. Tiffany had been staring out the window of their small bluish bedroom for a while now, her reddish-brown hair [S]that grabbed her shoulders[/S] [Again, a little wordy. Perhaps 'brown, shoulder-grabbing hair.'] not even shifting. The walls were almost gray from the darkness of the clouds, giving it a solemn air [S]about it[/S] [Not really necessary, sticks out since 'it' was just used]. The room was sparse with only a bed, a wardrobe, and a small desk adding to the feeling of reflection that wrapped them both like a blanket. It was their room though, that room where they spent their weekends, sometimes never coming out. That room that provided sanctuary even when the danger was on their doorstep.
  
  “Nothing.” She said in a tone that worried Conlan.
  
  “She's been so depressed after it all happened.” he thought to himself. [If it is at all possible to express this some other way, go for it. Would probably be more seamless if done by the narrator somehow.]
  
  “I figured that, I mean what are you thinking about.” he said out loud.
  
  “About how much I hate rain. It makes you feel so claustrophobic when you're all cooped up inside a house like this.” [You? It's fine, though 'me' seems to fit better.]
  
  It was a rare glimpse at her true thoughts, [<-;] she rarely spoke what she was really thinking.
  
  “Its not like you'd go outside anyway.”
  
  “I liked it better when we had some light though, we haven't had any for a week straight.”
  
  “You get bothered by the little things too easy,” Conlan said[S] in an almost cocky voice that was very familiar to her[/S] [..in a familiar, almost cocky...] “Besides, we both know the real answer to my question.” [Also, no sun for a week is -not- a 'little thing' ;o;]
  
  “Then why bother asking? You're thinking it too after all.”
  
  “Like I said, you get bothered by the little things too much. Its just a game, Tiff, games are things to have fun playing, not to worry about.”
  
  “Most games don't have consequences.”
  
  “Neither does this one.”
  
  “Forgetting everyone is something to be worried about.”
  
  By now Conlan could detect the fear and anxiety in her voice. “You won't forget the people that matter.”
  
  “I don't want to forget everyone though.”
  
  “You should consider it a blessing that she's weeding out all the people that don't really like you.”
  
  “I suppose.......”
  
  She stared again at the window for a while, [her?] gaze not leaving that spot even as he sat down behind her and laid her down on his lap, he swore those [her?] blue eyes would pierce it.
  
  “Come on, lets go to bed.”
  
  “You mean back to that place?” Tiffany said in tone that vaguely hid an almost suggestive excitement.
  
  “Tonight is not the night remember?” Conlan said, not picking up on her tone.
  
  “Oh I know that. I'm talking about the other place, you know, my favorite place.”
  
  Conlan tackles Tiffany to the bed. [ach, more present tense~ Sorry I missed it before] “Hope you like being in your favorite place,” he says as he wrapped his broad, large arms around her small frame.
  
  “Because you aren't getting me up if you want to leave.”
  
  She gave a small snicker. “Our parents would be freaking out if they saw us like this.”
  
  “They think we have no self control.”
  
  “As if I need it!” she said with her small smile appearing.
  
  “I know, because I do it all for you.” [slightly creepy .-.]
  
  They both savored the silence, the subtle nudge there, the stroke of hair there, they spoke volumes to each other even in the silence until both finally stopped fidgeting.

  
  
  There's a more in-depth run-through, suggestions are in [].
• Sleeperdial wrote on 2011-08-08 02:24

  Quote from Juno;543160:

  Getting there~
  
  You'll probably get a better feel for things as you keep writing, but this is a pretty sound piece.
  
  
  
  There's a more in-depth run-through, suggestions are in [].

  
  
  Thank you so much for your help. You've done a lot for me. I think I'm finally getting a bit of skill back. Believe it or not I used to be a pretty proficient writer, but my skills atrophied because I haven't written in forever. Forgot all the grammar and format stuff. :T_T: thanks again though. Your the best.
  
  Oh wait one last question. Based upon what I've written so far what kind of relationship would you say Tiffany and Conlan have?
• Juno wrote on 2011-08-08 02:47
  They seem like teenagers having some sort of physical relationship behind their parent's back~
  
  Though, Conlan seems supportive (bad at it, but he tries) and Tiffany seems to trust him. I didn't walk away with anything else concrete, really, but this might be because I strongly dislike Conlan and Tiffany isn't making a huge personality impression on me just yet.
• Sleeperdial wrote on 2011-08-08 03:16

  Quote from Sleeperdial;543182:

  Thank you so much for your help. You've done a lot for me. I think I'm finally getting a bit of skill back. Believe it or not I used to be a pretty proficient writer, but my skills atrophied because I haven't written in forever. Forgot all the grammar and format stuff. :T_T: thanks again though. Your the best.
  
  Oh wait one last question. Based upon what I've written so far what kind of relationship would you say Tiffany and Conlan have?

  
  
  

  Quote from Juno;543218:

  They seem like teenagers having some sort of physical relationship behind their parent's back~
  
  Though, Conlan seems supportive (bad at it, but he tries) and Tiffany seems to trust him. I didn't walk away with anything else concrete, really, but this might be because I strongly dislike Conlan and Tiffany isn't making a huge personality impression on me just yet.

  
  
  I haven't really fleshed out the characters so that's better than I expected. The part about freaking out and parents wouldn't make much sense till you heard it. It's just a reference to how they grew up which I'll talk about later in the book. Or I just might take that part out, it's kind of unecesarry information. Also whats so bad about Conlan? XD
• Juno wrote on 2011-08-08 04:39
  I happen to enjoy sweating the little stuff.
  
  A cold, misty day with a light rain is perfect. A cold, misty day with no rain makes me want to die, at least until it's over. The subtleties in life are the best parts~