I'm curious..

• Cynic wrote on 2011-09-22 06:03
  (this is somewhat similar to the "have you ever felt like garbage" thread, but I think the difference is significant enough to call for another thread. That and I'm technically asking a different question)
  
  Spoiler'd for length. You can just skip it or skim read it, it's just my personal experience with the matter.
  
  [SPOILER="Spoiler"]Has anyone ever put up a front? It really varies from person to person, but I know some people have gone to the extent I have before, though it's mostly faking a cheery/happy attitude rather than a plethora of things. Anyone who has ever heard me talk about my Father knows the jist of how he is, and therefore knows a jist of how I really am. I'm not like him in all the bad aspects, but I inherited enough of his habits for me to consider it bad. I'm not a pathological liar, though I do lie instinctively without even giving it a 2nd thought (I have regretted it on some occasions, since it gets me into all sorts of web of lies), and I do purposely change my personality and demeanor to match whoever I'm with in order to get on their best side so I can use them. Even if it isn't intentional, it's easy enough to figure out.
  
  I'm usually a pretty stoic person by nature. Anger and wrath are probably the most prominent emotions I've ever felt, besides apathy in general. I was never able to feel like normal people, nor was I able to react like them. I could never seem to touch base with my emotions like other people, and while some would probably find this a good thing, it always confused me.
  So I began observing others. Manipulating, lying, using, all in an attempt to provoke emotions from other people; I wanted to see just what it was they had that I didn't.
  
  I became awkward because I seemed to learn how to act slower than other people. People could sympathize, care, love, befriend, cry, everything so much easier than I could. So I pretended that I knew what I was doing; I acted out, tried to act angry, tried to cry, tried forcing myself to care for people. It worked.. sort of; people assumed this was who I was, and yet I myself could never /feel/ what I acted. So I tried harder. And harder. And harder.
  
  Until faking became 2nd nature. 'Til this day, I emphasize my emotions, make them seem drastic, force them. I try and be consistent, so it doesn't seem like I actually am BSing, but at times it frustrates me because I know that 70% of the time, I still have to force them.
  
  Otherwise? Pff, yeah. People already have an easy time seeing how I am if they talk to me for an extended period of time.
  
  I've never cared what people think (as it that isn't obvious enough), but being on a lower level than others because of something as daft as emotions? It's not a fun feeling.
  
  I don't enjoy lying; it puts me on a similar level to my Father. And yet, I can't help but try and act like what I assume is normal. Sometimes my body even does it instinctively for me.
  [/SPOILER]
  
  tl;dr; Have you ever put up an extreme front? Lied about the emotions you felt or forced them out, not just happiness? Perhaps even had a persona?
• TA wrote on 2011-09-22 08:50
  Yes.
  
  Don't read this if you're going to judge me:
  (I apologize in advance if what I've written offends anyone.)
  [SPOILER="Spoiler"]I actually don't empathize with the plights of others. Natural disaster, mass murders, personal loss, the death of pets, friends, or loved ones, horrible lives, none of it.
  
  Something is wrong with me. I lack a sense of moral responsibility or social conscience, but I'm not antisocial.
  
  There are many things people are abhorred by that simply don't phase me. Murder, pedophilia, you name it. About the only thing that does bother me is rape and mutilation. If you're going to mutilate someone, at least have the decency to kill them afterwords. And as for rape, well... I only empathize with extreme circumstances, or the rape of children or animals. Though at the same time, I couldn't care less about consensual sex with children or animals. I know I should, but I just don't. With animals, I think it's something disgusting and unnatural that I would never do, but I don't morally judge people that do it. And as for children, well... if it's consensual then I simply don't care whatsoever.
  
  Though along those lines, if it's prior to puberty then I would look at it along the same lines as mutilation, and I would look down on it. But once puberty occurs, like ages 11-13 or so (depending on the individual), then if they want to have consensual sex with someone, then that's fine by me, whatever age their partner of choice may be. To me, putting people in jail and labeling them sex offenders for something like a 20 year old boy having sex with a 15 year old girl with a completely developed body that honestly looks like she's an adult, that's just... it's ludicrous. What gives us a right to assign an arbitrary number to something that changes per an individual basis?
  
  Ah whatever... I have many problems with society.
  
  I always pretend to respect people's religious beliefs, for instance, but if someone is religious I instantly think they're an idiot and that never changes. Especially when people start talking about miracles and the work of god and thanks to god, and all of that stupid bull****.
  
  I have no problem with abortions, or even mothers killing their babies. Like I said, murder doesn't bother me. If murder or death actually personally affects me, then I would care. But anyone else, and I would not.
  
  I have no problems with human cloning either, or slavery, or even experimenting on people to further science - though preferably vegetative people or "clean slate" clones. For example, we could clone people, grow them in labs, and ensure that they are entirely brain dead. It would be great for product testing and also scientific testing and human safety.
  
  Although I wouldn't particularly care if we grabbed people off the street for that, as I wouldn't empathize, I still wouldn't agree with it on principle. People have families and lives, after all.
  
  Though, I am also a horrible person that believes that we should cull people with major disorders like down syndrome and all the others, including physical ones. They damage the gene pool if they're allowed to reproduce and it just strains the rest of us keeping them alive. What happened to natural selection? Now we pamper the outcasts that would have been left to die in nature, and thereby been removed from the gene pool and we would grow stronger as a species. But no, this pathetic human created thing we call "morality" is there like a shining beacon, holding us down.
  
  I'll never forgive ignorance and religion for holding back scientific advancement. Over a thousand years of Dark Ages that we could have advanced. We could have had computers a thousand years ago if the Dark Ages hadn't happened. Just think what kind of computers we could have now... Hell, we could probably have flying cars and space ships! Holorooms, true virtual reality, you name it... A thousand years is a massive time... and the saddest part of all of it is.... we never really truly pulled out of the dark ages. We're still being held down by religion, even today.
  
  Such ignorant masses... it really sickens me. *sigh*
  
  So, yes. I act. I act like none of the things I mentioned above bother me. I act like I care. I act like a model citizen and how a member of my family should act. But, in the private world of my mind... I'm a very different person. Very different indeed...[/SPOILER]
  
  I probably never should have told a soul a word of that though... :gloom3:
• Guyverunit4 wrote on 2011-09-22 08:53
  I dunno if this counts as a front, but I usually avoid people. Even friends and family. I don't speak unless spoken to and even then it's just one or two words. But when I hate someone (which is just about everyone in my life) I talk even less then that. I haven't had a conversation with my step-father in about 12 years. I don't even pick up my phone anymore.
  
  I remember once in high school, there was this really stereotypical black guy talking to me. He was telling me about this "*****" (his word) that he's been hitting on. The girl was a girl I had a crush on. But to avoid confrontation as I didn't want to fight anyone I kept my mouth shut and nodded along with what he was saying.
  
  Edit: lol censors. Forgot about those.
• Osayidan wrote on 2011-09-22 09:01
  Similar to a lot of the stuff TA said. A lot of stuff about our society and species pisses me off. Especially when it comes to advancement.
  I go to work, live with my family and pretend it's all normal but I ****ing hate this place as it is. There's nowhere to go off to though so I'm stuck here.
  
  B> ride on alien ship
• Guyverunit4 wrote on 2011-09-22 09:05

  Quote from Osayidan;594589:

  Similar to a lot of the stuff TA said. A lot of stuff about our society and species pisses me off. Especially when it comes to advancement.
  I go to work, live with my family and pretend it's all normal but I ****ing hate this place as it is. There's nowhere to go off to though so I'm stuck here.
  
  B> ride on alien ship

  
  
  I agree.
• Paul wrote on 2011-09-22 09:05
  I'd have to say my anti-social levels are quite high if I'm not on the computer.
  
  Lie? I lie everyday when I talk to someone. They: "Hey there, how you doing today?". Me: "I'm doing great. (Yea right, feel like **** and can you just stop talking to me?)"
  
  On the computer I can manage though.
• Yanm wrote on 2011-09-22 09:07
  I put on a front 24/7. I think a lot of people here know that I have trust issues. I don't want to let my guard down with someone that I trust and then have them back stab me. I'm pretty paranoid about that I guess (If that's the right word). My front is pretty much acting emotionless. I keep a dull expression on my face and I keep to myself. It's actually weakened a bit over the years, but nonetheless it's my preferred way to act. I'll act like my true self once I'm with people who I trust completely. However. . .the downfall of my cold facade is that. . . well, I can't seem to feel "Happy" that often. If I want to cry, I have to be MADE to cry, I can't just do it myself to relieve stress. I'm jealous of people who're happy all the time, as I often wish I could feel the way they do (Hoping this feeling changes when I meet my dream girl D:).
  
  @TA Don't worry, I won't judge you. That's just the way you are, and I find it pretty unique and interesting. Also, I do exhibit a FEW of those traits myself. . . but I'll leave that to people to guess ;D.
• Cynic wrote on 2011-09-22 09:20
  Frankly, were I raised any differently and lacked my Mom to even me out, I would probably the worst, most disgusting of human beings by other people's terms. I don't see why any of that makes you a bad person; people have different views, even if they seem completely and utterly heartless to some. You can't change someone who lacks the basic cookie cutter mold others do.
  [SPOILER="Spoiler"]
  My Mom, for instance, is one of the sweetest, most kindest people I have ever known. She is as close to perfect as I think you can get, besides the few flaws that we all have. But she herself has told me it's gotten hard for her to pity people; be it someone who was raped, a family member murdered, etc.
  In her case, it was due to life experience; life numbed the caring she once had for certain situations, mostly due to her being in them herself. So while she can naturally say "Oh, I'm very sorry for you.." the actual caring and the need to comfort someone isn't there anymore in most cases.
  
  In my case, I don't think I have ever been able to care on that level. Not in a "normal" way, anyhow. Or for more than my Mom and animals. Unless someone means something to me, I will never actually care. I can say I care, and I can feel sorry for them, but not enough for it to be.. real. Sincere.
  
  I enjoy praying on the weak, lying and manipulating them. Being their hero and than smacking them right back down in their place. I have standards, of course, and you will seldom see me do it to someone who doesn't deserve it, but even I have my moments. I've never felt bad for it, though due to my Mom I feel morally obligated to have said standards; a set of rules, if you will. Kind of like Dexter's code, but without the murder.
  And because I was taught and believe in these things, they become my morals. Even if I'm not /actually/ a very moral person.
  
  I would love to go on a vast killing spree if I could. Take out all those people I deem unworthy of living; rapists, murderers, abusers, that sort of thing. Get rid of the scum and the poison, basically. Many people would argue that my criteria is warped and twisted, but I've never cared. A vast majority of people on this earth don't deserve to live by my standard, though I'll never be able to do anything about it. So instead, I hide behind my little personas and do what I can through that.
  
  I've played a sweet, innocent girl who toys with the emotions of deserving men, treating them like trash and dirt until they run off crying with their tail between their legs. I've played the knight in shining armor who pretends to care but secretly twists your emotions subtly until you're a paranoid mess.
  I've slipped into so many different roles over the years that I can't even tel them apart sometimes. I've done it for so long that I slip into a role on accident sometimes, even if I don't want to.
  
  It's tiring but I can't seem to help doing it. If I can tick some jerk off, twist a *****es emotions, ruin a tough guys pride or maybe put a sick f*ck in his place, then I'd done my daily deed.
  
  I believe in a lot of things that people would find immoral and disgusting, but since I view most of them the same way, I guess it evens out. [/SPOILER]
• Chiyuri wrote on 2011-09-22 10:39
  I guess I do put up some sort of front in public. I usualy stay in my corner, avoid bottering people, nob if they talk to me and all and sometimes act as if I am interested by what they are saying (sometimes I do am interested through)
  but in reality..
  [SPOILER="Spoiler"]I so dam hate human.. People sickens me to no end sometimes, I want to just bite through their throat and rip their head off. I'll probably sound a little weird since nearly everyone else on this thread seem against morals to some extend but.. I can't seem to think outside of my own moral code. I don't understand how people live without it, how they are unaware of it and such.. to the best of my memory, I always knew my moral code and never once was able to go against it. In my book, you can be somewhere inbetween 2 point: Evil - Neutral. You can be anywhere inbetween these two. The moment you go against the universal rights of someone else, you are not at the far end of Neutrality anymore and you just steped into evil. I resent humans for been able to be something else than Neutral. In a way you can say I hate what I don't understand since I doubt I will ever understand how people can go against the rights of others. I normally look like a gentle and calm girl but inside I'm filled with hatred for people, often when I see someone, I am wondering how they will die and when.
  The moment I see one person do something pretty horrible infront of me is the day I will snap and go on a mass murder spread (because after I get rid of that disgusting person, the police will try to restrain me which would be an attack against my rights hence they will lose their right for life which let me kill them without any problem, things will go donwward until one of them can stop me)
  Through so far nothing of the sort ever happened infront of me, peaceful everyday life of nothingness...[/SPOILER]
• Cynic wrote on 2011-09-22 11:03
  I myself have a moral code thanks to my Mom, it's just different compared to others. Overall, though, I think it's a perfect code for someone such as myself.
  
  Morality is a twisted subject when it applies to most people.
• Science wrote on 2011-09-22 11:09
  I try to act like I'm always happy/cheery when I'm out in public, since I feel like a bad mood is contagious. Otherwise, I don't try to act differently than how I feel.
  
  Oh, and I cover up bad feelings about others.
• Kollin wrote on 2011-09-22 14:10
  In public i stay to myself and pretend to care about the world around me, that i actually have an interest in it and the things in it.
  
  In reality
  [Spoiler]i care nothing for the world or the things in it. i cannot bring myself to find any sort of interest in life, whether it be mine or others. the only way i ever am able to feel that interest or care is under the influence of drugs (which i recommend to no one as they only make things worse later). emotions are foreign to me, save for a few negative ones. every morning i wake up and just lay there in the bed, knowing and dreading the fact that i have to get up and "live" again that day. i do not care for the opinions, beliefs, or thoughts of others. if society has a certain view on what they do or do not like, i do not care. though im more the willing to change my "outside", be it physical or emotional, to play their silly games. they are nothing more than "toys" for me to entertain myself with, though i quickly grow bored of them and am constantly looking for someone or something, ANYTHING, to take my mind off of the hollowness i feel. my head constantly aches, i feel tired regardless of if i have slept well or am in good physical condition, and the only way i seem to be able to appease these issues is to use drugs. it really makes me wonder how in the world ive managed to get this far into life without killing myself.[/Spoiler]
  
  /end emo fest
• Bankai231 wrote on 2011-09-22 14:21
  Its great to see that Im not the only one who is like that. (Reffering to TA's post)
  
  I usually put up a front about every emotion in the book. I hate where I am right now but I hate giving people my bad mood which will make awkward situations for me.
• Cynic wrote on 2011-09-22 14:49

  Quote from Kollin;595014:

  In public i stay to myself and pretend to care about the world around me, that i actually have an interest in it and the things in it.
  
  In reality
  [Spoiler]i care nothing for the world or the things in it. i cannot bring myself to find any sort of interest in life, whether it be mine or others. the only way i ever am able to feel that interest or care is under the influence of drugs (which i recommend to no one as they only make things worse later). emotions are foreign to me, save for a few negative ones. every morning i wake up and just lay there in the bed, knowing and dreading the fact that i have to get up and "live" again that day. i do not care for the opinions, beliefs, or thoughts of others. if society has a certain view on what they do or do not like, i do not care. though im more the willing to change my "outside", be it physical or emotional, to play their silly games. they are nothing more than "toys" for me to entertain myself with, though i quickly grow bored of them and am constantly looking for someone or something, ANYTHING, to take my mind off of the hollowness i feel. my head constantly aches, i feel tired regardless of if i have slept well or am in good physical condition, and the only way i seem to be able to appease these issues is to use drugs. it really makes me wonder how in the world ive managed to get this far into life without killing myself.[/Spoiler]
  
  /end emo fest

  
  
  I can relate to it, though in my case I have something to live for, I just can't find the strength and/or will to actually push forth and do all the things I aspire to do. My sicknesses don't help much, but I've had this problem even before that.
  
  I tend to have a small group of friends (2-3) every few months; we get along great at for the first month or so, then things get slow until eventually we can't hold a conversation anymore, or even care enough to. There are brief, casual chats, and usually we eventually leave our separate ways for good.
  This has been going on as a consistant, unbroken routine for about ~3 years now. I've never held a single friend (that type you can talk to without the conversation getting awkward and boring within a short amount of time to the point where it becomes a burden) for more than a few months besides Roy.
  
  I'm not as social as other people, but like other people, I do enjoy having a friend or two to chat with, laugh and tell things with any bias or (negative) judgement. But I can't seem to have that. Why? I have no idea. I'm probably cursed, as cliche as it sounds.
  
  But I seem to be cursed in various ways, so frankly, it's a very realistic idea.
• Leopher wrote on 2011-09-22 15:05
  Ack, these are immensely painful to read, but it must be done.
  
  I also relate, though there's not much to say, and even though I've only told three close friends, it gets very tiring to repeat or think about, so I'll keep it brief.
  
  I lie often, probably daily, for fun and for convenience. People will believe (or at least refrain from disbelief on) nearly anything you tell them if it fits the context and connects to other truths they know. The things I'll lie about are usually anything that will get me something desirable from the person I'm lying to, whether it is physical or emotional things, or simply the individual getting an improved image of me.
  
  Sometimes I act happy/cheery when I'm feeling depressed simply to get people to leave me alone, but if I'm not in danger of being bothered about it then I tend to give in to it. Depression runs in my family, and frankly, there's plenty to be depressed about anyways (though perhaps just as much to be joyful about, but for some people, like myself, those things can be more difficult to find). I'm usually more likely to act stoic when I'm in pain than to act happy though. I have a longtime issue with self-loathing. I'm also rather quiet and extremely modest (physically, mentally, emotionally) because I am afraid to be seen. I think this is because I am afraid of misrepresenting myself (or showing my true self) or my beliefs and being judged based on those misrepresentations. By judged I mean put into a box (marginalized, categorized) by someone, and then having that person reject the box they've put me in (thus rejecting me).
  
  I think that's all I'll say for now. Self-analysis is risky and often inaccurate. The best way for a person to know himself, I think, is not too look at himself, but to look at other people, and to learn about himself from the things other people observe of him.
  
  Regards,
  Timothy