[SIZE="5"]Btw, I'm not trying to offend anyone. I'm sorry if these jokes offend you.[/SIZE]
Confucius Say
"Man with one chopstick go hungry"
"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it"
"War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left"
"If you park, don't drink, accidents cause people."
"Boy who go to bed with sexual problem wake up with problem in
hand."
Haircut
There is this good ol' barber in some city in the US. One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a community service." The florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
A cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a community service." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.
An Asian software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber and barber replies; "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a community service." The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there - a dozen Asians waiting for a free haircut...
Fluctuation
An Asian guy walks into the New York City currency exchange with 2000 yen and walks out with $72. Next week he walks in with 2000 yen and gets $66. He asks the lady why he gets less money this week than last week. The lady says "Fluctuations". The Asian guy storms out, and just before slamming the
door, turns around and says: "Fluc you Amelicans too!"
Driving styles around the world
Driving styles..............
One hand on steering wheel, one hand out of window
----Sydney
One hand on steering wheel, one hand on horn
----Japan
One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot
solidly on accelerator
----Boston
Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut, both feet on
brake, quivering in terror
----New York
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator,
head turned to talk to someone in back seat
----Italy
One hand on horn,
one hand greeting,
one ear on cell phone,
one ear listening to loud music,
foot on accelerator,
eyes on female pedestrians,
conversation with someone in next car
---- Welcome to India
Bush and Bin Laden
Bush was in Afghanistan on a visit, talking to Osama Bin Laden.
Osama would ask Bush questions, and when Bush gave a response
Bin Laden didn't like, he pressed a button, and a giant boxing
glove would hit Bush in the face.
When Osama came to America, he and Bush were talking. When Osama
said something Bush didn't like, he pressed a button, and
nothing happened. Osama kept answering questions, and Bush kept
pressing the button, but nothing happened.
When the day was over Osama said "When we get to Afghanistan,
i'll show you how we really do things."
Then Bush responds with a smile on his face "What Afghanistan?"
Hans Schmidt
A man was walking down the street and noticed a sign reading "Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry." Being of a curious nature, he entered and was greeted by an obviously Chinese man who introduced himself as Hans Schmidt.
"How come you have a name like that?" inquired the stranger.
The Chinese gentleman explained in very broken English that when he landed in America he was standing in the immigration line behind a German. When asked his name, the German replied, "Hans Schmidt."
When the immigration officer asked the Chinese man his name, he replied, "Sam Ting."
Ed Zachary Disease
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
Japanese, Indonesian, & Malaysian
Once upon a time three people were stranded out at sea - A Japanese, a Malaysian and an Indonesian. The boat started leaking and if they do not act fast they would all die.
The Japanese (as usual) was the first to take the initiative. He threw all his Japanese gizmo - CD player, hi-fi, radio etc. off the boat. The Malaysian and the Indonesian looked at him in disbelief.
The Japanese said, "Don't worry.. still got a lot more in my country.. BANZAIIIEE!"
But the boat was still sinking. The Indonesian without hesitation started throwing aboard all his baju batik, kain batik, keretek, etc., etc. He comforted the other two, "Don't worry.. still have a lot more in my country, paknya".
But still the boat was sinking. The Japanese and the Indonesian looked at the Malaysian. Suddenly, without any hesitation and with stride, the Malaysian threw the Indonesian overboard. The poor guy couldn't swim and drowned. The Japanese was shocked. Said the Malaysian, "Don't worry... still got a lot more in MY country!!!".
Dying Irish Man
An Irishman was very ill and on the verge of dying. The doctor called the man's wife in and said,"There are three things that you can do to help your husband back to health"
"What are they, sir?"
"One: You must make him three huge meals every day.
Two: Never argue with him.
Three: Make love to him every night.
"Agreed." Said the woman.
On the way home the husband asked what the doctor said.
The woman replied,"Your going to die."
A few too many
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look. "The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."