Once upon a time there was a Brad named Brad. Brad had a strong and powerful sword and a strong and powerful beard. Brad's arms were covered in strong and powerful muscles and those muscles were covered in muscles. He was very very tall and had very very broad shoulders. His teeth were ground flat by incessant clenching, and the skin on his knuckles was very callous, enured by the way Brad's long arms would drag on the ground. Before the day had begun, Brad was in a forest chopping down trees by spitting at them when he found a weak and pitiful ferret. Brad was so angry at seeing such a weak and pitiful creature, that he let out a loud and terrible roar. This woke the modestly attractive creature from its slumber.
Brad boomed, "Yaughglborgnaughlelebompa!" And leaped to crush the creature's skull.
The creature said, "Wait! Why are you trying to crush my skull?"
Brad howled, which the creature interpreted to mean, "I hate weak things! I need to kill things that are weak because I am strong."
The ferret said, "Oh? I'll bet you I'm stronger than you are. I can prove it too."
Brad gargled on his own saliva. After he was finished he boomed, "Tiny tiny thing! There is no way you can be stronger than me! I am the strongest!"
"Prove it," was the retort.
At this, Brad made snarling sounds and growling sounds and all manner of contorted malformed utterances. With the display done, the Brad turned to the ferret and said, "Still think you're stronger now?"
The ferret yawned, then said, "How was that?"
The Brad laughed an ugly laugh, the tore a tree from out the earth and lifted it high into the air with his tremendous arms.
"Can you do this, tiny thing?"
The ferret got up, and picked up a tiny tiny twig and held it barely above his head.
"Hah! You are soo small. I could crush you now. I won't accept your bet."
"Have it your way," said the ferret, "but I've already told everyone in the forest, including your friends, that you chickened out of a test of strength. You won't ever be able to show your face in Bradtown again"
The Brad was angry moreso than he was before; "Fine! I'll accept your Challenge!"
"Great! Meet me at my house at the top of the mountain past the clouds where no trees grow in three days."
After that, the ferret scurried off to his house at the top of the mountain past the clouds where no trees grow. He got there while the sun was still rising. It shone lucid and clear up high past the clouds. No trees grew this far up the mountain, the only plants this high were stubborn grasses that made the yard very soft. The ferret set to work preparing for the challenge.
First, he went outside and found three very round, very white rocks. He laid them on one side of the hearth to his fireplace. Then, he set to work making cottage cheese. He formed three very round, very white balls. He laid these on the opposite side of the hearth. He made sure the cheeses were perfectly identicle to the rocks, then set them away so they wouldn't spoil. After that, he went to sleep.
When he awoke the next morning, he continued preparations for the challenge. He took the extra cheese down the mountain and traded it to some bees for honey. Then he went to the lake and gathered up mussel shells. He took the shells to some trees and used them to gather up a lot of sap. He added the sap and the honey to make an ultra sticky goo. Then he set back up the mountain. Before he got back to his house, the ferret took some gourds growing about. To the first three, he hollowed out and set aside. To the next three, he set them on the ground outside and covered them with the goop so that there was no way to lift them up, without lifting the mountain along with it. He left the gourds together and went back to sleep.
On the morning of the last day, the Ferret went to work again. He baked up six loaves of bread, except in three of them, he baked stones in, so that he had three normal loaves and three loaves with stones. He set these away, put the cheese out, and waited for the Brad.
It was noon when the ominous footsteps resounded all along the mountain. The Brad heaved his hefty arms and threw his whole weight up the mountain, singing an ugly song the whole way.
"Yo yo! Yo ho!
I'ma squash me a ferret!
Yo ho! yo ho!
He won't be able to bear it!
I'll stomp him up flat,
and wear his skin for a hat!
Then I'll take the thing off and tear it!
Yo ho!"
He got to the door and knocked, "Little thing little thing, let me in! Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin!"
"Why did you say that?" Asked the ferret.
"Just shut up and start the contest!" Shouted Brad.
"Well then," the ferret began, "The first test is this." Then he took the Brad to the hearth. "I'm so strong, that I can squeeze water from rocks."
The ferret took the first 'rock' and squeezed a fist full of water from it. Then he took the next one, and squeezed water from that as well. Then he took the last and squeezed water from it too.
The Brad laughed and ugly laugh; "HA! I can do this with my eyes tied behind my back!"
The ferret replied, "Yes, quite. Get to it then. Squeeze water from those three rocks right there."
The Brad squatted down in front of the first rock. He squeezed and he Squeeeezed and he SQUEEEEEZED the rock, but no water came out. Then he did the same to the next one, and the next one, but try as he might, not a drop of water was to be seen.
"Aww, tough luck then. Better luck on the next test!" The ferret laughed a modestly attractive laugh, then pranced outside. "Come along now! Let's go let's go. Since you did so poorly on the last test, this one will be easy. All you have to do is lift these gourds like so," he lifted one of the hollow gourds,"Then throw it off the cliff." The ferret threw the gourd in he was holding down the cliff, then lifted and threw the next two with one hand.
The Brad laughed an ugly laugh, "Ha! I uhh...uhh...YARGH! Just move!"
The Brad shoved his way over to the first gourd, and pulled and PULLED, but the gourd held steadfast. He tried the same to the next one and pulled with all his might, but to no avail. On the last one, he pulled and pulled until he was lightheaded and his gigantic arms were sore and tired.
"Poor you," goaded the ferret, "Let's see how well you do on the final test."
The ferret bounced back inside, and returned with the bread.
"The final challange is to eat three loaves of bread with as few bites as you can."
The ferret set to work nibbling and gnawing to his adorable heart's content. The giant picked up one of the larger loaves and said, "Ha! *huff huff puff* I can....*heave*...*sigh*...in two bites!"
Brad then chomped with crooked crooked teeth as hard as his angry jaws could.
"Aaauugh!" Yelled the Brad in pain.
"You'd better hurry up, I'm already on my second one."
The Brad gasped in exasperation and exhaustion, then snatched up another loaf and "AAAAAUUUUNGH! Ow ow OW!" he cried with tears in his eyes.
"Ahh. That was a good second loaf. Better start on the third!" said the ferret while patting his modestly attractive belly.
The Brad was furious and in pain. He had lost the first two already, there was no way he was going to lose the last challenge. He greedily grabbed the final loaf, and bit into it with all the power he could muster, as if there was nothing else worth doing in the world than biting into this loaf really really hard.
The Brad didn't even howl in pain this time. He just sighed slighly while the last of his teeth fell to the ground. Then he stumbled back and forth in a bewildered stupor, before finally falling back over the cliff to his doom.
When the Brad hit the bottom of the cliff, he cracked open, revealing a smaller gentler Brad hidden behind the crackled shell of the old Brad.
This Brad was nicer, kinder, and more attractive. Pretty much better in every way. He even sparkled and had wings. Everyone loved the new Brad much better than the old one, and the new Brad and the ferret were friends forever.
The end!