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Huhu wrote on 2012-11-03 12:45
Just a small random thing I wrote in class one day. I want to see what you guys think about it.
[FONT="Verdana"][INDENT]Broken heap of wood
How blind you are when once
you could see
Broken heap of wood, I
shall give you eyes.
Broken heap of wood
How still you are when once
you could walk
Broken heap of wood, I
shall give you legs.
Broken heap of wood
How ugly you are when once
you had golden locks
Broken heap of wood, I
shall give you hair.
Broken heap of wood
How sad you are when once
you had a smile
Broken heap of wood, I
shall give you a mouth.
Broken heap of wood
How emotionless you are when once
you could give hugs
Broken heap of wood, I
shall give you arms.
Broken heap of wood
How dead you are when once
you were alive
Broken heap of wood, I
shall give you a heart.
Broken heap of wood
No.
My daughter.
How beautiful you once were.[/INDENT][/FONT]
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RealityBreak wrote on 2012-11-03 12:57
It might just be me, but I feel like "pile" sounds a bit awkward. Maybe try another word like "heap?" (The reason I feel "heap" might work is because it is a word that can be applied to people; a person can collapse into a heap should something happen to him, but is hard pressed to become a pile.)
It also doesn't make much sense when your poem speaks of the past, what your pile of wood once had, and then says something about what you "shall" give it.
It's fine though, because poems don't need to make sense. Or rhyme.
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Huhu wrote on 2012-11-03 13:09
A few people commented on how the "pile" thing sounded, I could probably change that to Heap and make it sound better. Also it's about a father that's mourning really bad for his lost daughter. So he goes into this delusional phase and tries to make this wood look like his daughter.
[INDENT]"How sad you are when once
you had a smile"[/INDENT]
Is him remembering how his daughter had a smile before, so he makes a smile into this wood piece.
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RealityBreak wrote on 2012-11-03 13:33
Ah, I see. It's not very easy to understand, since he seems to be talking to the wood.
And don't mind me, I'm just an overly critical person; your poem's good!
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Burningsky wrote on 2012-11-03 19:37
I like the rhythm. The main subject is in the first line, goes into detail in the second, and restarts in the fourth. It really goes with the remaking of the memory of the wood.
I thought it was a puppeteer making a puppet at first, but it turns out to be deeper than the first couple lines reveal.
If anything, I would move the "I" from the fourth line to the fifth line, to better parallel the first and fourth line of each stanza.
But I guess it's fine the way it is, creating a distance between the flawed and the fixed versions of the wooden heap.
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ColdStar wrote on 2013-03-21 11:10
good poem, though, i don't understand some of them, as i'm not a native speaker.