Mabinogi Fanfic stories!

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chaoticoracle wrote on 2013-03-14 20:28

Give it your best shot at a mabinogi fanfic story. Here's my attempt I did for 2 guildies.

On a cold winter night in a log cabin in the Physis mountain range, Watari sits alone on a wooden chair infront a warm comforting fireplace. Thoughts race through her head as she looks toward the clock then to the fierce snow storm outside. SHe has been patiently waiting for several hours for her husband to come home. The fire in the fireplace starts to slowly become smaller. Watari must go outside to retreive a few more pieces of logs. She is accompained by he faithful pet fox to the kitchen to prepare to leave the house. She bundles up to adventure outside to they side hut to retreieve more average firewood. In the distance there is a figure approaching unknown to Watari. As she turns around to see the figure approach fear runs through her eyes. Her fox goes to attack the creature but watari quickly tell it to retreat for it has been her beloved of since she first rebirth. She tries to recall the current time to see if it could be the Yeti or Mammoth that wonders around Physis but then she releases this is no where close to where they reside. Growing fear starts to over come her as she drops the wood and falls to her knees. The snow figure stops infront of her but they falls to the ground as if the life was sucked out it. As she raises her head to see what has become of the creature, she is gentle embraced around her stomach and words are whispered into her ears. "I home honey." She turns around to see Dietsoda covered in snow with a bag full f gold and materials for their small blackcsmithing workshop. After a long embrace between the two, Dietsoda starts to brush off the snow off of the lifeless snow covered creature. Watari lets out a small giggle after she realizes its Dietsoda's collossus marionette. He packs the marionette away in their shed and then walks to the door of the Cabin where Watari greets him with a a cup of warm silvervine tea. As she walks through the door way, she gives him a gentle kiss on the cheek and whispers into his ear, "please don't make me worry like that again. I can't bear to lose you" Deitsoda glances at her then pulls her into his arms and replies. "Even if one of us were to die, our love will never die. We will be reborn and find each other and fall in love again. I promise you that."
Luxezel wrote on 2013-03-15 01:28

The milletian named Slim Shady looked up at the beautiful azure sky from where he sat in Dunbarton.

He stood up.
Barqaboy wrote on 2013-03-15 02:02

*clap* *clap* *clap*
Yakumo Yukari wrote on 2013-03-15 02:12

Quote from chaoticoracle;1048943:
Give it your best shot at a mabinogi fanfic story. Here's my attempt I did for 2 guildies.

On a cold winter night in a log cabin in the Physis mountain range, Watari sits alone on a wooden chair infront a warm comforting fireplace. Thoughts race through her head as she looks toward the clock then to the fierce snow storm outside. SHe has been patiently waiting for several hours for her husband to come home. The fire in the fireplace starts to slowly become smaller. Watari must go outside to retreive a few more pieces of logs. She is accompained by he faithful pet fox to the kitchen to prepare to leave the house. She bundles up to adventure outside to they side hut to retreieve more average firewood. In the distance there is a figure approaching unknown to Watari. As she turns around to see the figure approach fear runs through her eyes. Her fox goes to attack the creature but watari quickly tell it to retreat for it has been her beloved of since she first rebirth. She tries to recall the current time to see if it could be the Yeti or Mammoth that wonders around Physis but then she releases this is no where close to where they reside. Growing fear starts to over come her as she drops the wood and falls to her knees. The snow figure stops infront of her but they falls to the ground as if the life was sucked out it. As she raises her head to see what has become of the creature, she is gentle embraced around her stomach and words are whispered into her ears. "I home honey." She turns around to see Dietsoda covered in snow with a bag full f gold and materials for their small blackcsmithing workshop. After a long embrace between the two, Dietsoda starts to brush off the snow off of the lifeless snow covered creature. Watari lets out a small giggle after she realizes its Dietsoda's collossus marionette. He packs the marionette away in their shed and then walks to the door of the Cabin where Watari greets him with a a cup of warm silvervine tea. As she walks through the door way, she gives him a gentle kiss on the cheek and whispers into his ear, "please don't make me worry like that again. I can't bear to lose you" Deitsoda glances at her then pulls her into his arms and replies. "Even if one of us were to die, our love will never die. We will be reborn and find each other and fall in love again. I promise you that."

First, wrong section.

Secondly, this is such a wall of text. I can't even read it.
Ravendor wrote on 2013-03-15 02:26

Quote from chaoticoracle;1048943:
Give it your best shot at a mabinogi fanfic story. Here's my attempt I did for 2 guildies.

On a cold winter night in a log cabin in the Physis mountain range, Watari sits alone on a wooden chair infront a warm comforting fireplace. Thoughts race through her head as she looks toward the clock then to the fierce snow storm outside. SHe has been patiently waiting for several hours for her husband to come home. The fire in the fireplace starts to slowly become smaller. Watari must go outside to retreive a few more pieces of logs. She is accompained by he faithful pet fox to the kitchen to prepare to leave the house. She bundles up to adventure outside to they side hut to retreieve more average firewood. In the distance there is a figure approaching unknown to Watari. As she turns around to see the figure approach fear runs through her eyes. Her fox goes to attack the creature but watari quickly tell it to retreat for it has been her beloved of since she first rebirth. She tries to recall the current time to see if it could be the Yeti or Mammoth that wonders around Physis but then she releases this is no where close to where they reside. Growing fear starts to over come her as she drops the wood and falls to her knees. The snow figure stops infront of her but they falls to the ground as if the life was sucked out it. As she raises her head to see what has become of the creature, she is gentle embraced around her stomach and words are whispered into her ears. "I home honey." She turns around to see Dietsoda covered in snow with a bag full f gold and materials for their small blackcsmithing workshop. After a long embrace between the two, Dietsoda starts to brush off the snow off of the lifeless snow covered creature. Watari lets out a small giggle after she realizes its Dietsoda's collossus marionette. He packs the marionette away in their shed and then walks to the door of the Cabin where Watari greets him with a a cup of warm silvervine tea. As she walks through the door way, she gives him a gentle kiss on the cheek and whispers into his ear, "please don't make me worry like that again. I can't bear to lose you" Deitsoda glances at her then pulls her into his arms and replies. "Even if one of us were to die, our love will never die. We will be reborn and find each other and fall in love again. I promise you that."

Yeah, wrong section but let me critique it anyway. :skip:

First of all you need to break up your story into separate paragraphs. A paragraph is usually nice and complete once it tells one particular point about the story, or gives room for one character to speak some dialogue.

This is also kind of nitpicky and entirely my personal preference but I don't feel present tense fits the kind of story you were trying to write, either. Maybe past tense would work better, seeing as this feels like a recounting of a mabi event.

You also repeat yourself a few times. "Watari must go outside to retrieve a few more pieces of logs." and "She bundles up to adventure outside to they side hut to retrieve more average firewood" seems a little redundant when you've already informed the reader than the fire is dwindling.

Lastly, a lot of the story is very stuttery in that it's mostly "Watari did this, and then did that, and then looked at that, and then went here". It doesn't make for very dynamic reading I'm sorry to say.

Apart from that, shows some promise. Keep at it. :D