How the hell do you actually turn these things into money?
It's a currency.
Imagine you're putting your dollars in to another country's dollars. Except that other country isn't actually a country but more of a collective network of home computers across the globe. And the money printing machines are owned by anyone who wants one.
Alternatively, think of it as stocks. It is similar to an extent. There is always a finite amount of bitcoins as "printing" (actually known as mining) becomes more difficult as we reach the set cap. Each transaction comes with a fee which is then distributed back in to the unclaimed to be mined.
Alternatively alternatively, think of it as commodity. Like Gold and Silver. Similar.
It doesn't turn into money. It IS money. A large number of places take them now as payments.