Being Asexual

• Intex wrote on 2010-09-27 05:48
  Asexuality:
  

  Quote from Wikipedia:

  Asexuality (also known as nonsexuality), in its broadest sense, is the lack of sexual attraction or the lack of interest in and desire for sex. Sometimes, it is considered a lack of a sexual orientation.

  
  Sorry about long long sigh story, scroll to bottom for tl;dr version.
  
  This is just something that's been in my head for a while.
  I kind of got the idea to make a thread about it after seeing Finnea's thread.
  
  When I was around fourteen years old, all my guy friends started to talk about idols/celebs they wanted to date or kiss (and etc.).
  Everyone started to make A LOT more sexual jokes and one of my friends came out of the closet.
  Around me I started seeing people making out in the hallways.
  
  At this point I started questioning my own sexuality.
  I had no sexual attraction towards any of the most beautiful idols other guys loved.
  I went through a phase of "maybe I'm just gay."
  But I didn't feel any different towards male idols/celebs.
  I continued to think that I would develop it, that I was a late bloomer, that I was too young.
  
  However, some months back I looked back on this assumptions.
  I'm already past the sexual maturity age yet I have not changed at all.
  I already had a female friends who shares all my interests and told me "I wish I had a boyfriends who was just like you" (she probably thinks I'm gay).
  I imagine her to be the perfect person, but I could never fathom anything past a platonic friendship.
  
  So I was watching "The Big Bang" theory and I noticed that the character Sheldon was very similar to me in the sense that he never seemed to care or get involved in a relationship.
  I looked up his character and wikipedia turns up

  According to several reviewers, Sheldon appears to be asexual.

  
  I thought asexual was reproducing bacteria, not people.
  So I clicked through, and then it hit me.
  That day, I found out having no sexual desire exists.
  
  In hindsight, it should have been obvious to me much earlier.
  But I always believed it could never exist, and now that I found out it can exist, it crashed in on me.
  I ended up crying that whole night, talking to a close friend who listened to me through my whole rant.
  "So I will never find a special person?"
  "I can't feel that kind of love?"
  "I'll be single my whole life?"
  "I will never have a child?"
  I always assumed everyone could find a special someone, have a family, feel that kind of love.
  The rest of the week I was really depressed.
  I lurked some Asexual forums and many people expressed the same ideas and feelings I felt.
  Thankfully I got distracted by exams so I got over it quickly.
  
  Today, I'm still upset about my lack of sexuality but I've come to better terms with it.
  I'm not at the age when these relationships are serious so this won't affect me at the moment.
  However, I'm scared about getting older and becoming pressured into marriage or dating.
  I'm also worried if I tell people about this, they won't believe me and think I'm just lying.
  This is especially bad because I'm a guy, and I'm "supposed" to act a certain way.
  I've only come out of my "closet" to two of my closest friends since I don't want to deal with this issue.
  
  Right now I'm living my life about the same as before.
  I go along with sexual jokes as if I thought they were hilarious.
  I've already had a few people question my sexuality (though it's semi-joking) because I seem too oblivious that it looks like I'm avoiding something.
  I just dodge the question with a joke like "Yeah I came out of the closet last night, I was looking for a textbook."
  
  I'm so uncertain of my future.
  I'm very happy with my platonic friendships and my guy friends who tell me how to survive a zombie apocalypse but I know we're going to leave to different colleges.
  And then prom is coming up... I don't even want a date.
  No one even knows that asexuality exists, so how can I explain to everyone I know in the future that I am one?
  
  Yeah, had to rant off somewhere.
  Above I say "idols/celebs" because apparently those people are very attractive.
  I've never been sexually attracted to ANYONE.
  
  What I am like
  Apparently there is a huge spectrum of asexuality so here's how I am:
  No sexual attraction to either genders.
  I do look at people and their appearance, but just that.
  I don't want or pursue an exclusive relationship, I just want a lot of friends.
  I'm not disgusted by sexuality, I find it laughable or annoying.
  I'm open to the idea of children but would not raise one outside a committed relationship.
  
  Questions for you guys (sorry if they sound stupid)
  -Do you dream or imagine being in a relationship or being married to someone?
  -Do people really fantasize all the time or at least very often?
  -We've all seen the sudden scenes in movies, could you ever imagine that happening?
  -Do you ever wish you were not so sexual?
  -Some people say sexuality is a huge waste of time, your opinion?
  -How would you feel if your child was asexual?
  -How would you react if your friend told you he was asexual?
  -Do you think I sound ridiculous or that I'm lying?
  
  Feel free to ask me any questions you guys want since I'm asking you guys some too.
  
  tl;dr
  I don't like girls or guys in a sexual way.
  Life is okay now but I don't know how I will live with this.
  Please answer questions above if you feel comfortable with them.
  Ask anything you want.
• Andy-Buddy wrote on 2010-09-27 05:54

  Quote from Intex;167934:

  Questions for you guys (sorry if they sound stupid)
  -Do you dream or imagine being in a relationship or being married to someone? At times, but I'm okay with being single.
  -Do people really fantasize all the time or at least very often? Depends if someone is on their mind.
  -We've all seen the sudden scenes in movies, could you ever imagine that happening? It happens, but usually does not end very well.
  -Do you ever wish you were not so sexual? If perversion / dirty jokes count, yes I wish I wasn't.
  -Some people say sexuality is a huge waste of time, your opinion?Sexuality should come with love, and not just the feeling of it, but understanding your feelings is never a waste of time.
  -How would you feel if your child was asexual? At least he's not getting into trouble, he'll grow out of it.
  -How would you react if your friend told you he was asexual? Just leave him be? Its his choice, not mine.
  -Do you think I sound ridiculous or that I'm lying? The world is weird, peer.
  

  
  
  Answers in bold.
• BobYoMeowMeow wrote on 2010-09-27 05:57
  the cat is asexual :3
• Kazuni wrote on 2010-09-27 06:00

  Quote from Intex;167934:

  Questions for you guys (sorry if they sound stupid)
  -Do you dream or imagine being in a relationship or being married to someone?
  ---- Yup. Sometimes.
  -Do people really fantasize all the time or at least very often?
  ---- I wouldn't know about other people, but unfortunately, it's a big part of my daily thinking activities o_o
  -We've all seen the sudden scenes in movies, could you ever imagine that happening?
  ---- Sudden sceness? Not sure what you mean by that but maybe.
  -Do you ever wish you were not so sexual?
  ---- I don't really get the question.
  -Some people say sexuality is a huge waste of time, your opinion?
  ---- You mean relationships?
  -How would you feel if your child was asexual?
  ---- Hmm... I doubt they'd tell me, for one.
  -How would you react if your friend told you he was asexual?
  ---- Confused, because I've actually always thought it was about bacteria, too.
  -Do you think I sound ridiculous or that I'm lying?
  ---- I don't think you'd lie, and I've seen things far more hard to understand.

  
  
  Confusing indeed. :what:
• Shirayuki wrote on 2010-09-27 06:01

  Questions for you guys (sorry if they sound stupid)
  -Do you dream or imagine being in a relationship or being married to someone?Not often.
  -Do people really fantasize all the time or at least very often?I honestly don't, unless it's a dream that I can't really control.
  -We've all seen the sudden scenes in movies, could you ever imagine that happening?Unno, happens to me sometimes owo;
  -Do you ever wish you were not so sexual?Well, sorta.
  -Some people say sexuality is a huge waste of time, your opinion?Depends on if it takes up too much of your life or not.
  -How would you feel if your child was asexual?Eh, his/her choice. I'd guess it wasn't really a permanent thing, just a phase.
  -How would you react if your friend told you he was asexual?Like I give a crap owo;
  -Do you think I sound ridiculous or that I'm lying?Unno.

  
  
  Woosh.
  
  And maybe Int just has high standards.
• Intex wrote on 2010-09-27 06:15
  Yeah I think nonsexuality would work better but asexuality is the common term.
  Part of my worries is everytime I explain this I'm going to have to explain I can't regenerate limbs or duplicate.
  Considering the child question, what if it's not just a phase.
  At the extreme it means grandchild or wedding day.
• Chiri wrote on 2010-09-27 06:16
  Asexuals are sadly overlooked.
  I was convinced that I was asexual for the longest time-- about 20 years.
  I don't know if you can really call me a late bloomer.
  I think it's more a case for me where, being attracted to someone happens extremely rarely.
  How rare? I've only been attracted to one person in my life so far. Including celebrities and those around me and what not.
  Will it ever happen again? I don't know.
  I enjoy my (sexual) relationship with that one person.
  I can't really call myself asexual because of that.
  I dunno if they have a label for low-frequency attraction people like me.
  
  At first, I thought there was something wrong with me, but I didn't really care. People around me, when I told them about being asexual, would say, "Aww too bad for you, being in love is the best thing in the world." or "I'm so jealous, I wish I didn't get attracted to people because of all the drama!" And I didn't even think other people could possibly be interested in me (since I held no interest in them).
  
  Don't worry too heavily about being alone all your life. Something might happen, but if not, you'll probably have a good network of friends to support you.
  
  PS: why Bean Rua and not library?
• Shanghai wrote on 2010-09-27 06:19

  Questions for you guys (sorry if they sound stupid)
  -Do you dream or imagine being in a relationship or being married to someone? No, not really. Rarely, if at all.
  -Do people really fantasize all the time or at least very often? If you mean fantasize where they want to go out with a celeb, then at times, yes. Only certain people really apply to this though.
  -We've all seen the sudden scenes in movies, could you ever imagine that happening? True love at first sight? In a million, maybe.
  -Do you ever wish you were not so sexual? I'm not. owo
  -Some people say sexuality is a huge waste of time, your opinion? In High school it is, because you usually end up breaking up after a year, or when you both realize you aren't going to the same place anymore.
  -How would you feel if your child was asexual? Ehh, whatever. There's going to be others who will reproduce and take his/her role in doing so.
  -How would you react if your friend told you he was asexual? Nothing really, if he/she wants to be single, then go for it.
  -Do you think I sound ridiculous or that I'm lying? Neither, it's okay to be single.

  
  
  I think I'm a bit asexual. Probably because of a time in a relationship at 8th grade that really made me disappointed and such.
• Akami wrote on 2010-09-27 07:11
  [FONT="Century Gothic"]-Do you dream or imagine being in a relationship or being married to someone?
  Sometimes, when someone's special enough to me. If there's no person of interest, nope.
  
  -Do people really fantasize all the time or at least very often?
  Fantasize as in how, but again, sometimes, depending on that person.
  
  -We've all seen the sudden scenes in movies, could you ever imagine that happening?
  Those offend me more than make me imagine things.
  
  -Do you ever wish you were not so sexual?
  Sometimes :V.
  
  -Some people say sexuality is a huge waste of time, your opinion?
  I would say sexuality or asexuality is something that is normal in life, it can't be a waste of time if you're trying to find some light on yourself.
  
  -How would you feel if your child was asexual?
  I honestly don't know.
  
  -How would you react if your friend told you he was asexual?
  I wouldn't treat them any different, it's not like they killed anyone, but I would be open to listen to them if they ever wanted to talk.
  
  -Do you think I sound ridiculous or that I'm lying?
  You sound neither ridiculous nor like you're lying. I think it's perfectly understandable to be confused and wish to talk to, hopefully, open-minded people to help you shed some light onto your situation.
  
  Perhaps, like Chiri, your attraction to others is just extremely low; it's also still a while until your future where you would start to think about marriage/children, IIRC your approximate age from Naka days. Also, in a way, I don't see asexuality as a problem unless you really want that experience of love/being in a relationship. (Do you?) Personally, although I'm picky about people, I sometimes wish I wasn't a person who is attracted to someone else so heavily, it's been pretty painful.[/FONT]
• Rebel wrote on 2010-09-27 15:05
  I feel compelled to answer these...
  Questions for you guys (sorry if they sound stupid)
  -Do you dream or imagine being in a relationship or being married to someone?
  I do, but only if something particularly bonding happened between the two of us, or if they were really hot.
  -Do people really fantasize all the time or at least very often?
  I guess someone with a 'normal' libido does, but me and some of my friends are hardly that sexually driven, though not asexual.
  -We've all seen the sudden scenes in movies, could you ever imagine that happening?
  Sexual scenes? Elaborate please.
  -Do you ever wish you were not so sexual?
  Despite how bad I get when it is happening, it doesn't happen very often. I know people who really ONLY always talk about sex.
  -Some people say sexuality is a huge waste of time, your opinion?
  As long as you can control yourself in having sexual thoughts while in the right time and place. And not let them interfere with your work. Unless you have like some super hot office romance.
  -How would you feel if your child was asexual?
  Reading other people's response on this really made me "??" Cause i know it would be no fault of his/her own, and it wouldn't be a choice for them to not be attracted to someone. So I wouldn't hold it against them.
  -How would you react if your friend told you he was asexual?
  To be honest, I'd probably react the same way I would if he told me he was Bisexual, I'd think he was testing the waters to see if I could handle him being gay. But that's only cause the latter has happened before.
  -Do you think I sound ridiculous or that I'm lying?
  I have known about asexuality for a long long time. This does not shock/surprise me, you're cool tex ;D
• Zid wrote on 2010-09-27 15:21

  Quote from Intex;167934:

  Questions for you guys (sorry if they sound stupid)
  -Do you dream or imagine being in a relationship or being married to someone?

  
  
  Back then, when I was both single and taken, I don't really. I ended up thinking I'd spend the rest of my life as single, never bothering with romantic gender relationships and living each day with friends, having fun.
  
  It's all changed now.
  
  

  Quote from Intex;167934:

  -Do people really fantasize all the time or at least very often?

  
  
  Usually the guys I've met who are... hmm, proactive in their social life, "fantasize" (You're throwing around a vague term). Same with girls who are active in their social lives.
  
  Me? Not usually before. Now I do. It's because I'm always trying to find ways to make my relationship better.
  
  

  Quote from Intex;167934:

  -We've all seen the sudden scenes in movies, could you ever imagine that happening?

  
  
  I don't believe I would be like in those scenes if you mean "falling in love at first sight". I had "attractions at first sight", but I never acted on them.
  
  Except for that one time, but I got turned down, so I stopped trying.
  
  

  Quote from Intex;167934:

  -Do you ever wish you were not so sexual?

  
  
  Yes. It would save me a lot of trouble and pain. Also, relationship-wise, I believe a relationship entirely standing on sexuality is bound to collapse very easily.
  
  That being said, if I wasn't, sometimes I fear if stress and frustration will cause me to lose my sanity. I realize other people can do well without being sexual for their lifetime, but there are people who can't.
  
  

  Quote from Intex;167934:

  -Some people say sexuality is a huge waste of time, your opinion?

  
  
  In your light, I think that would be agreeable. All you need is friends and family to keep you going.
  
  You can feel very close to somebody, similar to a couple, yet it can be without any sexuality whatsoever. This bond is enough to live your life well.
  
  

  Quote from Intex;167934:

  -How would you feel if your child was asexual?

  
  
  His/Her choice/condition. Asexuality is not outrageous, so I wouldn't mind at all.
  
  In some aspect, it might feel like it's safer for my child (except if they're lying to me). Being asexual doesn't mean they'll find that emotional support from friends and family, right? As long as they live a happy life, I'm fine with it.
  
  

  Quote from Intex;167934:

  -How would you react if your friend told you he was asexual?

  
  
  I'd be a little surprised at first, if I didn't look into the signs properly. Otherwise, I'd say "Oh, okay. I guess that makes sense to me."
  
  His choice/condition, right? Doesn't change him in any way as he was before? He can do as he pleases as long as it doesn't hurt anybody.
  
  

  Quote from Intex;167934:

  -Do you think I sound ridiculous or that I'm lying?

  
  
  I'm not going to answer this question since I don't want to assume about asexuality over the internet. I apologize if that offends you.
  
  You'll always find support if you are asexual though. No need to worry about being alone or discreditable.
  
  

  Quote from Intex;167934:

  Feel free to ask me any questions you guys want since I'm asking you guys some too.

  
  
  I actually do. Being asexual, do you think it affects how you look at your parents, when compared to others?
  
  Also, do you believe in complete abstinence as an asexual?
• Cucurbita wrote on 2010-09-27 17:07
  Asexuality does indeed exist, and its pretty rare. But they do exist.
  
  For some strange reason, females asians have the highest chance of being asexual. Its very strange.
  
  In any case, I did date an asexual girl for a few years so I know exactly what a person who is asexual is like. Sexual attraction really complements love well, but its not completely necessary. The problem with asexuality and relationships is that the partner will find it incredibly frustrating over time. This makes finding a person for a relationship very difficult.
  
  You could look for someone else who is asexual and bond as close friends, but the chance of finding another asexual, especially one whose interests and life style you share, would be very rare.
  
  You could find a partner who is not asexual but is willing to live with it. One thing you must acknowledge is that you really have to appreciate that partner for committing to you without a sexual relationship. Sex is a very strong desire and one that relieves stress, increases motivation, and plainly said, sparks the pleasure receptors of your brain like mad when doing it. Its also a sacred bond between a couple, which is sacrificed in this specific type of relationship. So the partner does give up a lot, and that just shows how much they love you, so treat this person very well, and try to be understanding from their aspect as much as possible.
  
  As for a child, I believe its completely possible to be a parent while being asexual. You can either:
  1. Just have sex. Its not really all that crazy.
  2. As you mentioned, Sheldon from big bang theory does mention the possibility of having a child without sexual contact. Though I honestly don't support this option due to the lack of intimacy, stiffness, and just plain awkwardness.
  3. Adopt. There are too many children out there who could use a loving parent.
  
  Being a single parent can be difficult, but its not impossible either, and many people out there can proudly say they feel like a full and happy family despite missing a mother or father in the equation.
  
  As for the questions:
  
  -Do you dream or imagine being in a relationship or being married to someone?\
  Yes, but I haven't done it with anyone in specific. I do dream about having a child often though.
  -Do people really fantasize all the time or at least very often?
  Way too much. I gotta tell you, I feel pretty dirty :<
  -We've all seen the sudden scenes in movies, could you ever imagine that happening?
  Probably not. Thats why they're movies.
  -Do you ever wish you were not so sexual?
  Sometimes, because there are times when the stiffness in your pants are so uncalled for. And there are lots of times when I find it distracting from a task I'm doing, and sometimes I tend to waste a lot of time because of it.
  -Some people say sexuality is a huge waste of time, your opinion?
  No. I could do with a little less desire, but I don't dare give this up. Its what makes me who I am, and I enjoy it.
  -How would you feel if your child was asexual?
  A parent always wants to protect his/her child. And asexuality is the first and strongest defense against premature sex. This would be fantastic, if not for the fact that every parent would also want to see his/her child getting married to their love and having grandchildren. So its both up and down, but I would think more so down.
  -How would you react if your friend told you he was asexual?
  Theres no problem with it. Its not like you're supposed to watch porn together with friends. You play games and watch movies, not masturbate together.
  -Do you think I sound ridiculous or that I'm lying?
  No. And I'm sorry that you feel bad about this, as most asexual people I have known enjoy their asexuality. I'm not a biological professional on the topic so I don't know what the exact cause is nor do I know if there is a treatment. Sexual intimacy is only a chapter out of life and you'd have to be pretty boring to say you can't enjoy the world without it.
  
  

  Quote from Zid;168086:

  
  Also, do you believe in complete abstinence as an asexual?

  
  
  I personally think the two are different. Abstinence people are choosing to be asexual, and suppressing their desires for a reason.
• Athde wrote on 2010-09-27 17:12
  I don't think im so much asexual, as I am just not interested. The only time I'm attracted to a person, it is a girl, but after like five seconds I become oblivious to their existence.... Maybe it's just too early? Or maybe I dont even care :P
• Phunkie wrote on 2010-09-27 17:26
  I like this discussion.
• Intex wrote on 2010-09-27 19:17

  Quote from Zid;168086:

  I actually do. Being asexual, do you think it affects how you look at your parents, when compared to others?

  
  I see them as my parents, but I don't look at their private relationship because that does not affect to me.
  However my parents are always reminding me that I have to get married and have children.
  It really annoys me, I'm not interested in carrying on the family name or what-not (traditional Chinese).
  
  

  Quote from Zid;168086:

  Also, do you believe in complete abstinence as an asexual?

  
  Yeah, I just don't see it happening.
  It's really hard to explain, it's not that I'm disgusted by the notion but I just don't see it happening.
  It's like trying to mentally create a new color, I can see something forming but I can't get deep into the thought.
  
  

  No. And I'm sorry that you feel bad about this, as most asexual people I have known enjoy their asexuality.

  
  It's just that everyone in the world is conditioned to feel so normal about sexuality that having no sexuality seems foreign.
  Dirty jokes fly right over my head and a lot of the funniest comedians use them.
  Maybe it's just like gay people, they face problems with being different but look at all the positive sides and take pride in who they are.
  And then I read stories like "Politician caught coming out of club" and "Tiger Woods sex addict" and I feel relieved that I will never feel the same drive that ruined their lives (over really stupid things).
  My friend asked me if I felt more superior because I didn't have such "dirty needs" but I don't feel superior because almost everyone deals with their own lives perfectly okay.
  
  I'm wondering if asexual people could go deeper than friendship but when you look at real relationships there's usually sexual attraction.
  It's the same way a straight person won't marry his own gender, because he doesn't feel sexual attraction.
  Friendship is very important still; people would rather not date because it would "ruin" their platonic friendship.